totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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