Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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