The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
