I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
