Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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