So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
