just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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