:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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