Michael Bay diarrhea
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
