my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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