Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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