Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
