I've blown a few things in my day
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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