One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
How naked do you want me to be?
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