Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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