So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
