this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
