I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
