I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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