SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
