i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
