i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
