Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Someone shit on the floor
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
