Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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