i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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