Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
