Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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