he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
