Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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