So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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