so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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