you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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