fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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