I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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