saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
