her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
