some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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