she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
nutella sex= disaster
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
