When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
