Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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