you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
