And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
