I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
