just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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