dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have fence marks all over my body
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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