She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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