I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
