I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
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