in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
