I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
