I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
