The maid of honor just puked.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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