seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
