I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
