Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
