worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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