How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
