I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
