She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize